This protocol is a parody of an existing scientific journal article and is intended to showcase the features available on the protocols.io platform in order for VERVE Net members to develope future protocols. While the viral metagenomic analysis on Cabbage Patch Kids is impossible to perform, due to the real-world non-existant nature of Cabbage Patch kids, the sourced article is Metagenomic analysis of viruses associated with field-grown and retail lettuce identifies human and animal viruses written by Tiong Gim Aw, Samantha Wengert, and Joan B. Rose (included in the authors section)and the "Material and methods" section has been adapted from using actual lettuce data to a metagenomic protocol for Cabbage Patch Kids.